Alright, it’s time for the honest, un-PC, and totally unfair truth about how women feel about you paying on a date:
It’s sexier when you pick up the tab.
There, I said it.
Wait, a woman who gives dating advice is telling men that they should pay for the date? Clearly this is all part of the evil worldwide female conspiracy to suck men dry of their precious pennies. Yeah, right.
Look, if you want to split the check evenly, go right ahead. Look your date straight in the eye and say,
“Your meal was $3 more than mine, so you owe $17. You got exact change?”
See how well that works out for you.
Yeah, I know, it’s not “fair” that men should have to pay for everything, especially if you both make the same amount of money, or (gasp!) she makes more than you do.
No, it’s not fair, and you don’t want it to be.
Attraction is created by the building of sexual tension. Fairness evens out a situation and gets rid of the tension—that’s why fairness is very useful for conflict prevention and resolution. If you want to have a nice, neat, fair date with a woman, split everything down the middle. If you want to create excitement and sexual tension, take charge and take her out.
Of course, these are tough economic times, and dating gets expensive. If money’s an issue (like it is for most of the population) then take her somewhere that you can afford to take her. Going to a coffee shop and buying her a $2 cup of tea has the same effect as going to a fancy dinner and buying her a $200 lobster (unless she’s a gold-digger, in which case she’s useless anyway).
This is not about a woman getting free stuff from you. This is about a woman being able to be feminine around you because you are being masculine around her—which will ramp up the attraction.
This is also not about being needy and buying her stuff for her approval. You are picking up the tab because you are such a resourceful guy that you have more than enough to give. Even if that’s not true of your bank account, she will find your generous, abundant attitude really, really hot–that’s why picking up the tab on a $2 tea is much more effective than splitting a $20 plate of appetizers (and it actually costs you less!).
It’s important to note that as a relationship progresses, you will have situations where it’s totally cool for you to split things evenly. That’s because as you spend more and more time together and your lives merge, you don’t need every single interaction you have to be romantic and sexually charged. However, when you do want that romantic/sexual vibe, pick up the tab—even if you’ve been together for decades.
Most women will never admit this to you.
Women in modern society have been taught that it’s wrong to expect a guy to pay for us–that we are strong, independent women that should do it on our own.
Actually, we are strong, independent women—and we are dying to be seduced the “old fashioned way” but we think this desire is wrong and we should get over it, buck up and do our part, everything 50/50.
Most women aren’t even in touch with this desire anymore. They have convinced themselves that wanting this is selfish, and they approach dating in a practical, fair way—then wonder where the spark went.
Ask most women who should pay for a date and they will give you a neat little etiquette lesson. In fact, the other night I had an 80 minute conversation with a female friend about this exact topic. 80 freakin’ minutes of guilt, logic, facts, figures, etiquette, do’s and don’ts, and female history…
The only thing we didn’t talk about was sexual attraction.
Splitting things, or at least offering to pay your half, is the polite thing for a woman to do. Question is: when the heck did sexual attraction become polite?
One of the greatest joys of being a feminine woman is that we are lavished with compliments, affection, and gifts just for being beautiful, radiant, and appreciative of it. No, it’s not fair, but that’s what the feminine IS, and on a deep, primal level every woman is secretly wishing she could be that way with you—without feeling guilt or shame about it.
Also, it’s important to note that this concept about taking care of a woman expands way beyond money. It’s also about compliments, touch (like massaging her neck), and making sure she’s satisfied sexually. It’s about having things under control so she doesn’t have to take charge.
I’m emphasizing picking up the tab here because it’s one of the easiest things you can do to assert the masculine role, yet it’s one of the most “wrong” and un-PC things for a woman to want.
Get over trying to make it fair.
If you can make a woman feel more attracted and fulfilled by covering the cost of her $2 cup of tea, then that’s $2 very well spent.
In Part 2, I’ll give you a list of all the benefits YOU will get when you pick up the tab on dates.
Article by Liz Leia
Liz Leia started as the editor for Sean Stephenson's Inner Game Magazine, where she wrote a monthly newsletter titled "Getting Inside a Woman." The newsletter offered the woman's perspective on what women are really attracted to. Sean started getting an overwhelming response from men that they appreciated Liz's fresh and unique perspective on what it truly takes to be the kind of man that attracts women. After writing her first eBook, Liz became a certified NLP Master Practitioner and began coaching men around the world. When Inner Game Magazine closed in May 2009, Liz launched her own company, Getting Inside a Woman. Liz has since been interviewed by several experts in the field of social dynamics, regularly blogs on Pickup Podcast, and continues to successfully coach men around the world.
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
Porfirio Rubirosa got married to the most attractive and rich wmoen in the world and dated and bedded far more…he barely paid for anything, he always got pampered by his women.
If a woman has money, she won’t object to spending some paper and pampering her man.
furthermore, this split the tab thing is so North American, in Europe yeh, you pay for the first date (you don’t want to be cheap, what’s a drink or two anyways?) however, paying most of the times when you go out is only acceptable if she cooks you dinner regularly and keeps the place tidy and clean!
I totally agree with you. Life has never been and never will be about fairness and justice. These are human created concepts, but good ones.
But we can’t go changing the game of procreation in the name of fairness.
In fact, I came upon the concept you’re trying to get at in a book I read. In the long term, relationships need to be equitable e.g. the guy works but the woman makes the home (a simplistic example).
If one person consistently does more than the other then it will cause disharmony.
Chris
Hey Liz,
Great article. You make some insightful points around guys paying on dates. Here are a few of my takes on it. Guys, we need to step up to the plate here.
Let me say that there are two spaces, us, guys can come from and which one we choose makes all the difference to the women we want in our lives. You are either a “gettingness” from women Man or you are a “givingness” to women Man. Its our choice. If you are paying for a drink or a tea, a getting guy sees it as payment for something that he wants to ‘get’ from her. If you are a “givingness” guy, paying can be a expression of your desire to ‘add-value’ to your time with her. Guys let us step out and become huge Men that give to our women not trying to get something from them to fill some hole in us. Thanks Liz for what you are doing for us.
conrad
I just read “Influence the Pyschology of Persuasion” and one really interesting part was about giving and receiving. People are many more times likely to do what you want or like you, if you’ve given them something. So, if you want that hot woman sitting across from you to like you, pay for her Caesar Salad guys. (disclaimer: not all hot women eat salads)
Thanks for these great comments.
I just want to clarify one thing:
If you are buying her stuff to get her approval, that will backfire because you will appear needy.
It’s not about trying to buy her stuff so she will like you. It’s about you assuming the more masculine role, which includes (but is certainly not limited to) paying for the date.
Nope, paying for the date is not the masculine role. The role of the masculine is being present and aware, giving the woman the opportunities to feel ‘felt’, “appreciated’, “honored” as a worthy women( if she is in your estimation) and given some “felt sense of being special and seen”. This intention may involve money and it may not. I known guys that are great at this and spend almost no money and I have known guys that spend tons and cannot come even close to creating this kind of experience with their dates or their lovers.
conrad